via 3D Projection on Buildings.

The Laws of Computing.

1) “I’ve printed this 37 times, and it still won’t print!” Me: Did you check if there is paper in the printer?
User: (puts paper in printer) Why is it printing so many copies?
Me: Because you just told me you printed it 37 times.
User: Well why would it do that?
Me: IT didn’t do that, you did.
User: I don’t think I did. . .

2) “I’m keep getting an error message.”
Me: What does it says.
User: It doesn’t say anything.
Me: Then how do you know you have an error?
User: Because there’s the box on the screen that says: Error 104b: Driver error timeout. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Me: Didn’t you just say that it didn’t say anything?

It is absolutely amazing how often these two scenarios play out over and over and over again. I am astounded at users that tell you that they have an error and then routinely say “It doesn’t say anything” when you ask them for the details of the error message.

Another favorite:

3) “I keep getting an error message.”
Me: What does it say?
User: I have no idea. I deleted it.
Me: Then what do you want me to do? The next time it happens, give me a call.
(Later) User: I got that error message again.
Me: OK, good. What does it say?
User: I don’t know. I deleted it.

It’s amazing how confused some people’s thinking is. Here’s another classic.

User: The computer won’t let me press the “M” key.
Me: (Presses the “M” key). I can press the “M” key. Were you expecting a particular response when you pressed the “M” key.
User: No.
Me: Then what is the problem?
User: I can’t open my e-mail.
Me: Did you expect that pressing the “M” key would open your e-mail?
User: I don’t know.
Me: Are you trying to open your e-mail or are you trying to “press the M key”?
User: I don’t know.
Me: Well, what are you trying to do?
User: I don’t know.
Me: What does your boss want you to be doing right now?
User: I don’t know, but I was trying to press the “M” key and it won’t let me.

This conversation would go on for a looooonnnnngggg time. The problem is, I find I keep running into similar situations with different people. They are at work, and have absolutely NO IDEA what they are supposed to be doing. So they torture me with computers that won’t “let them press the M key” (when in fact they keyboard seems to be absolutely fine).

On the other hand, I do love it. I get to earn a decent living “fixing” absolutely nothing.

via Clientcopia : Coping with stupid clients : Quotes, Comments & Remarks.

It might not be the smartest way of giving a zero-weeks notice at work, but you’ve gotta give this guy some credit for doing extra work and making a custom Mac OS X app just for the purpose of quitting.

Supposedly the pop up prompt (which apparently doesn’t do anything) was seen by the fellow’s coworker who explained the situation:

He believed he was in a temp-to-hire position, and after three months of extra hours and butt-kissing, turns out it’s just a temp position. He was a good worker too. I’d have recommended him. Too bad he burned his bridges… Obviously he had contemplated quitting long enough to make this thing, but still refused to speak to anyone about his feelings. Ironically, he complained about the ‘divas’ at his last job.

Well, who’d want to keep him if he makes an app with prompts that don’t even have functional buttons? If nothing else, one of the buttons should’ve opened an email app with a pre-written apology note.

via This is How a Pissed Off Designer Quits His Job – Job – Gizmodo.

It is unnecessary to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

No one ever makes typing errors.

All monitors display 2-inch-high letters.

The high-tech computers used by NASA, the CIA, or other governmental agencies, have easy-to-understand graphic interfaces. Those without have incredibly powerful, text-based command lines that understand plain English. Corollary: Anyone can access any information by simply typing “Access all secret files” on any keyboard.

You can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “Upload virus.” Just as they do in humans, viruses raise a computer’s temperature. Soon smoke will billow out of disk drives and monitors.

All computers are connected.

You can access information on any desktop computer, even when it’s turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the screen output to reading speed. Really advanced ones emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as characters appear on-screen.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just beneath their surface. Malfunctions are always indicated by bright flashes, puffs of smoke, showers of sparks, and explosions that throws people backwards.

After typing on a computer, you may safely turn it off without saving the data, naming the file, or specifying its location.

Hackers can easily break into the most sensitive computers before intermission. They only need a few tries to guess secret passwords.

Any “Permission Denied” message has an “Override” function.

Computers take approximately two seconds to boot up.

Complex calculations and uploading or downloading huge amounts of data take about three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at about two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all the control panels explode shortly before the entire building does.

If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no backup files. There is no undelete.

All computers interface with all other computers regardless of manufacturer or galaxy of origin.

All computer disks are readable by all computer systems.

All computers can use any application software.

You are asked for a password when you just look at a disk containing encrypted files.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it needs.

Operators of high-tech computers must be highly trained because the only labeled button reads, “Self Destruct.”

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying, three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic, animated graphics capability.

Laptops all have real-time videophone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.

Whenever characters look at monitors, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face.

Computers never crash during important, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers under stress never make mistakes.

Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

Internet searches always return what you seek no matter how vague your keywords.

All photographs can be enhanced simply by pulling minute details out of the grain. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want. “What’s that fuzzy thing in the corner? Enhance.” “Look! It’s the murder weapon!”

Everything I Know about Computers.

2. Don’t ever write anything down, especially the error message that was on your screen.

3. If we ask what the last thing you did was, always respond with, “I didn’t do anything.”

4. When we say we’ll be right over, immediately find a reason to leave so you won’t have to answer silly questions from us, like “what’s your screen saver password?”

5. When describing your problem, just tell us what you were ultimately trying to do. For example, just say, “I can’t get my email”. We don’t need to know that the computer won’t even turn on.

6. Feel free to ignore any email sent from us, especially those marked with high importance. You don’t really need to know about the latest virus that wiped out your neighbors hard drive.

7. Always send important and urgent emails in all uppercase.

8. When the copier, or anything else remotely electronic, doesn’t work, call us. Heck, if we can fix computers, we must know all about copiers too.

9. If the document you sent to the printer didn’t print, send it at least 20 more times. One of them is bound to work.

10. Don’t ever learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy blew up”.

11. Don’t waste your time using the built in help files. We already had to learn the hard way, why should you?

12. If any of the computer cables are in your way or keep moving, be sure to route them across the top of your portable heater or set something big and heavy on them to hold them in place.

13. Never bother reading any message that pops up on your screen. Just click the X to close it or the first button your mouse gets to.

14. Don’t ever try rebooting the computer yourself. Call us immediately. Only experienced, highly-trained professionals should attempt that.

15. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know anything about this computer crap”. We love hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

16. When you receive a huge movie file that’s really funny, be sure to forward it to all your friends. We have plenty of disk space and bandwidth.

17. Don’t bother bringing a radio to work, just listen to music over the internet. Like I said, we have plenty of bandwidth.

18. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might squeeze their one-page document into the queue.

19. When an I.T. person is carrying heavy equipment, worth thousands of dollars, that’s the best time to ask why your screen saver quit working.

20. Don’t bother to tell us when you move computer equipment around on your own. We certainly don’t need to keep track of those things.

21. Your computer case makes a great flat surface for sitting drinks or potted plants on.

22. Do whatever you can to cover up those ugly open air slots in the computer and monitor.

Instructions from the I.T. Department | MailDumper.

Cover Your Ass Engineering (CYAE) – The driving force behind most individual efforts is to make sure than when the shit hits the fan, they are not to blame.

Development By Denial (DBD) - Everybody pretends there is a method for what’s being done, and that things are going ok, when in reality, things are a mess and the process is on the floor. The worse things get, the more people depend on their denial of what’s really happening, or their isolation in their own small part of the project, to survive.

Get Me Promoted Methodology (GMPM) - People write code and design things to increase their visibility, satisfy their boss’s whims, and accelerate their path to a raise or the corner office no matter how far outside of stated goals their efforts go. This includes allowing disasters to happen so people can be heroes, writing hacks that look great in the short term but crumble after the individual has moved on, and focusing more on the surface of work than its value.

Asshole driven development.

Wink – the smallest 16GB USB flash drive available – Computer Chips & Hardware Technology | Geek.com.